“Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?”

“Clorox. Kill the germs, not the fun.”

Casey: “Hey, what’s up?”
Me: “Just sitting in the bed with Kristals. Kristals=Kristy.”
Casey: “Yeah, I know what you meant. And well I’m sitting on the couch with Chrissy. Chrissy=Chris.”

Tom’s boss: “I belong to the K.M.A club.”
Tom: “What’s the K.M.A club?”
Tom’s boss: “Kiss My Ass.”

“That’s what I get for being color coordinated instead of practical.”
(She bent down and her zipper busted and then said this)

Me: “I just made a 48 on my test.”
Mel: “Dudeeeeeeee. I’m about to do the same thing. Haha ”
Me: “Hahaha! Well, good luck dude.”
Mel: “After tonight I’m saying fuck it. And then I’m going to get about a 15 on my lab practical.”
Me: “Well. That’s better than a zero.”
Mel: “Yeah. I’m hoping 15 is how much my name is worth, because that’s about all I’ll be able to write on the test.”
Me: “HAHAHHA….crackbook.”

Person 1: “I’m gonna shave my legs.”
Person 2: (watching tv)
Person 1: “Can you hear me?”
Person 2: “Yes.”
Person 1: “What did I say then?”
Person 2: “You hate nigs.”

“Apparently Fedex hasn’t learned my sleeping schedule yet.”

(What the kids found while babysitting)
“And they found my texts today and found some about smoking and shit. I had to say a bowl was for a bowling pass. All kinds of bullshit, then called them nosey.”

“Come along…….(pause)……. after-thought.”