“I like your door handle. It’s smoother than butter.”

“I could jack-off with Perts shampoo and it not hurt.”

“I had to recollect my life. I had to find my watch, my debit card….”

“Did Mel have a birthday cake? And did Taylor pop out of it?”

“You would have been better off wearing ice skates.”

“Mel, I’m just trying to do it the right way so that you bitch less.”
(While rearranging the living room)

“Trashy bars tend to be in trashy areas.”

“TOP TEN THINGS I’M THANKFUL FOR… 10. GDIs… If there were no GDIs everyone would be fratty. 9. Busch Camo Cans 8. PHIRE… You’re Gonna want it 7. Snicker Ice Cream Bar 6. Ed Hardy Hats hahahaha…. hahahaha….. hahahaha 5. Pigeon Forge 4. Pussy 3. Money 2. Weed 1. Friends and Family 1/2. Busch Light and CAROLINA FOOTBALL!!!”

“I wonder if you can eat a certain amount of oreos for Farmville cash.”

“I’d like to see my death.”
(Mel was driving on the way back from Cola and Adam was in the backseat freaking out about Mel’s driving, and he decides to read a BIG calendar that is so big he can’t see how Mel is driving… so, he says this.)